No. Hold on. Stay right where you are! I’m not mad. Honestly I’m not.
I’ve thought long and hard about it and LIZARDS! Is the only reasonable answer to the question “Who run the world?”. Many have tried to answer it before me and some would say they have a more ‘credible argument’. And yes, I’ll concede that at the mo, all evidence does seem to suggest that men run the world (the orange one being elected). However, that doesn’t mean the answer also isn’t probably LIZARDS! The only difference really is that LIZARDS! are damn good at hiding the fact they’re LIZARDS!
It is said that the greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn’t exist. The quote is pretty famous and is probably from the Bible or Tolkien or something. However, it’s wrong. The word ‘devil’ is a miss-translation from an ancient fossil found Mesopotamia, or Pennsylvania or Transylvania – one of the long ones anyway. The saying is meant to go “The greatest trick the LIZARDS! Ever played was every trick, because they’re mo’fuckin LIZARDS! They literally run everything” This is a pretty hard fact to contest.
Another piece of entirely non-circumstantial and one hundred percent real evidence that LIZARDS! live among us is in people’s blood and in their eyes. Now before you accuse me of being a ‘psychopath’, wrap your ears around this logic. LIZARDS! are cold-blooded and lick their eyes a shit ton. Sound familiar? I think so! Everyone you’ve ever thought of as ‘successful’ are, in actual fact, probably LIZARDS! in disguise. To succeed you’ve got to be pretty cold-hearted (I’ve been told, not speaking from experience) and so successful people must be LIZARDS! If you’ve not convinced by my ‘success = LIZARDS!’ argument this next piece of irrefutable fact will swing you. Have you ever seen a successful person, or anyone really, lick their own eyeballs? I thought not, probably. LIZARDS! are that good at hiding the fact they’re LIZARDS!
Now, you might be thinking this is all pretty circumstantial stuff. And maybe you’re right (or a lizard). You’re probably thinking the fact that you’ve not seen many people do many things doesn’t logically mean that the fact that you’ve not seen it them doing something can’t always mean they’re doing it, but just hiding it very well. If you do think that, then the LIZARDS! have won. I can conclusively prove (can, but won’t) that I’m right. You’ve not seen Taylor Swift store grain in her cheeks, but I can guarantee you she might be a hamster. You’ve not seen Benedict Cumberbatch marinated in brine, but I’m sure as hell he’s a pickle in a jar. Just because you don’t see something, it doesn’t mean it’s not true. No one is as they seem. Asides from me, I’m entirely trustworthy.
Another reason to believe that our world is ruled by scaly-lizard people wearing human skin suits is global warming. Some like it hot, and those ‘some’ are the LIZARDS! Why else do you think governments have been so slow to react to rising global temperatures? They’re run by LIZARDS! I can promise the hotter it gets, we’ll start to see loads more politicians out lounging outside , perched atop sun-baked rocks. They won’t even buy ice-cream.
Also, just look at the face of any lizard. They’re all smug bastards. Just like politicans. What more proof do you need? Ok, maybe a lot, but that question was more rhetorical. But that doesn’t matter. LIZARDS! run the world.
If you disagree with any of this it probably means you and your family are LIZARDS! Sorry, it’s the truth. I don’t make the rules. But, for the sake of humouring your reptilian sensibilities, I’ll reassure you. You’re totally not a lizard. LIZARDS! can’t read, silly. Probably not anyway. If they can, I’m screwed.
All hail our lizard overlords?